I wish I could just blindly fall in love with him and be fearless like I’ve tried to with everything else…. but for some reason I just can’t help the dread of having a relationship… again…. I know one of us will end up hurting
I just poured my heart out to you. I trusted you after EVERYTHING you have put my through. I can’t even. I still love you, I told you things that nobody knows about me, that I could never talk to anybody else about. please don’t hurt me again, because i will just come back for more hurt
Is it weird that I am totally obsessed with 12/21/12? I mean seriously, not that far-fetched if you think about it. Nature needs to kill today’s humans. Or humans will kill nature. And, if you look at what has happened in the past couple of years….
Just once, I would love to have one friend that calls me first to see if I’m doing anything, and doesn’t just call me because everyone else is busy.
Just once I would love to have a friend want to spend time just with me.. talking and laughing and being weird and cool.
Just once, I would love for one of my friends to let me introduce them to something that I like instead of me always hearing their music and watching their favorite youtube videos.
Just once, I would love it if my friends could actually tel that I was hurting and that the smile and laughs were all just a front to not show my hurt.
Just once I would love for someone to notice how much I actually care about them and want them to be happy.
Sometimes I feel like Jacob is my only friend. Some of my “friends” are pushing me to only think of college,to only think of guys, to only worry about their problems, but Jacob is different. He and I are the perfect match. We talk about anything. He bitches, I bitch, we find common grounds in our bitchiness and hate the world together. His family has basically adopted me, and no matter what happens he’s still my brother. I love him more than anything. He is all of the above mentioned things and so much more. If I didn’t have him, I don’t know where I would be.
“I want to emphasize how historical tonight has been. We’ve not only re-elected the first African-American president in American history — we also re-elected the first sitting president to endorse marriage equality. We elected the first openly gay senator. For the first time, we defeated a referendum to ban marriage equality — and for the first time, passed marriage equality by referendum. Tonight will be remembered as a milestone in the progress of LGBT equality in this country.”
just want to add one thing…. our president is not completely African-American! He is mixed-race, and that is hat we should call him. Because this is a huge milestone for the MIXED RACE community, not the African American community. OK I’m done being bitchy now
Run into the storm. Do not hide from the gray winds battering at your skin. Do not cower from the rain eating at your body. Gleefully jump into the yellow lights piercing the earth. Crunch the dirt between your teeth and wonder only briefly if you’ve swallowed part of your mouth with it. There is no thought here. Breathing is effortless, feeling is magnificent, and everything is. Just is.
“Pefry? Where are you, dear? I have been calling for you all morning. Come out of hiding.”
Silence lives in her heart. There is no child to play hide and seek with. She is alone. And what imagination she has. ‘Pefry’ is such a strange name for a child.
I do not know from where you roam, but please be careful on your journey.
If ever you do worry, recall that all is meaningless. Mayhaps the weights upon your soul will disappear for only a moment so that you may breathe.
I am not yet weary of all that there is. That is a lie. Tiresome is my name for everything.
If I write only what walks around in my head, this is what you would see in my papers. What horror!
“If I touch a burning candle, I can feel no pain. If you cut me with a knife, it’s still the same.” – Corpse Bride is a wonderful film.
I do believe that something is biting me in my sleep. May it not be bedbugs. May it not be spiders. May it be my own delusions. Insanity I can process.
I feel more and more like a walking corpse for the passion that stirs itself in me. The more I am inflamed for certain things, the less interested I am in most other cases. For instance, my diminishing interest in sex itself.
I do not believe that my lack of interest in intercourse is directly related to my growing gender dysphoria, though I could see how one might link the two.
It is much more than Freud’s penis envy, my dear. It is more than want of a flat chest or the use of what is considered a ‘male’ name. It is this feeling that I do not fit into the category handed to me. That I am not yet me. That I am not completely seen or heard as I am. That there is something missing, or extra. Or both. And the guilt that I feel knowing that there are others whose dysphoria is much worse, and who do not have the supportive friends that I do. I know my journey is smoother than most. I see my privilege. I check my privilege. It does not mean that I should be counted out. I am unknown.
Yes, Mr. Drury, I know my voice was shaky and I sharped out at a couple of places. But no, my vocal technique isn’t as bad as you say it is, nor am I as confident as I try t pretend to be. I was fucking nervous as hell and worried about that madrigal guy staring at me. At least I TRIED to sing out and I TRIED going by myself when no other altos would. I TRIED to impress you and you tore me apart in front of my whole choir class. Why the fuck is it that you had something nice to say to everybody but me? I really DO NOT get it.
sensory overload, benadryl, not ever walking anywhere at night again. why am I freaking out this bad? how do I go to an all women’s college, and end up with worse androphobia than when I first arrived here? nothing even happened, but the fear and the paranoia got to me, and I just can’t deal with it right now. I need my therapist. I was finally in a routine again, and I then I go to college and I won’t see my therapist until winter break. I can’t do this.
*hugs* you’ll get through this, I’m here if you need me <3 You’re strong. You CAN do this. I know you can <3
So last night someone asked me about my sexuality, and I didn’t hesitate at all and straight out told them I was bi… OK that may not seem totally crazy but… I have NEVER told someone this face to face, ever! It didn’t sink in until now… maybe I am starting to accept myself?
Yeah... Dad, maybe if I didn't have to walk 4 miles home every time I had to do something after school, then I wouldn't be so goddamn tired! you are NOT switching my classes this late in the term, so fuck off! Oh, and I'm sorry, did I make Amy mad last night? Oh I don't care! She's a heartless bitch anyway
You know what, not everything is always my fault. You could do something around the house besides telling me to. Honestly, you don't give a shit about me. It's obvious you never wanted me here. Thanks for making it blatantly obvious every goddamn day of my life!
Ranting and complaining... at least it's about me this time, not my family :p
I really wish I had never come put as bi… I wasn’t ready. For my close friends, I was, but not for the whole world… I hate him for pressuring me to tell everyone, even though he hadn’t even come out yet. I hate myself for giving in, or for even telling anyone for that matter. I was perfectly ok hiding it and denying it, though the truth was obvious. I don’t get it. I accept everybody else for who they are, but i can’t face the fact that I am not straight. It doesn’t make sense, but that’s how I feel. Everyone else is proud and happy about it, but I’m the one banging on the closet door to get back into my safe zone. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make myself feel better. I hate talking about it, and I hate thinking about it even more. I feel so vulnerable and awkward whenever I talk about it. It’s so hard to understand what is going on. If you actually read this, I’m sorry for this super depressing post..
Yeah maybe my dad and stepmom should just stop talking/asking about my mom.... it just makes me cry... I go from thinking about singing and music to having tears in my eyes because you just had to bring it up.... thanks, dad. I really appreciate it. NOT.....
The fact that I trust basically nobody to tell me if I actually am a good singer... and the people I do trust I'm too scared to sing in front of..... yeah....... guess I just have to take the leap of faith and hope I'm as good as I always thought I was.... or..... give up on my dream.... I think I like the first idea.... you never know if you never try i guess...
Yeah... um....nobody has to read this..... venting session...
I would be that person to do everything in my power to make you happy. I would be faithful and trusting and trustworthy. I wouldn’t be too needy and I would actually have some sort of self confidence. Why? Because YOU make me feel secure enough to do that. Nobody else has made me feel the way you do. When I see you, even if I was about to cry 5 seconds ago, I can’t stop smiling. I wouldn’t be that insecure little girl that you met 2 years ago. I swear nobody in this world makes me feel like you do. I tell myself that being just friends is better than nothing, but I’m lying to myself. It just kills me to know that you don’t feel for me like I feel for you. I wish you could understand. I wish you could feel the same way… but I guess it is for the best…..
Your eyes are like the ocean, you know me better than anyone else, we can talk about anything and not fight, we are over-protective of each other, we've been through everything... why can't we both just feel the same way then? :(